On Procrastination, Self-Sabotage & The Perks of Adulting

Maaaan, do you know what it feels like to be conquering life like fighting against windmills? Your arms are tired and heavy, you can’t hold your sword anymore…? But however much you try, nothing changes?
I sure am familiar with this Don-Quixote-battle mode.
I’m in the process of peeling back some thick and sticky layers of self-sabotage. It’s hard. I’ve been procrastinating on giving up procrastinating for years.
Only took nano-micro-teensy-tiny baby steps. Then I caved back in, escaped into distractions.
I have to tell you, I’m yedi-master level of every kind of Solitaire and Mahjong there is.
I even took up watching TV again for several months. Just because I didn’t want to do what I needed to do. Namely I didn’t want to adult. 

Let’s take a moment to look at a helpful concept of Self that consists of three aspects: Child-Self, Adult-Self, and Parent-Self.

Recently I had one of those marathon video calls with a dear friend who’s also a coach.
We talked about this concept and it really can help to determine on which level (child/adult/parent) you’re dealing with a situation.
Spoiler alert: Usually it works best for you and those involved with you if you manage to meet them and your challenges with your Adult-Self (not the petty, fearful, defiant, bratty child, and also not the uber-concerned, in-control, lecturing parent).
So, in my case of procrastinating, Child-Me would pout, defiantly refusing to do anything productive. Parent-Me would get mad, frustrated, yell and threaten – in vain.
Adult-Me would watch the scene like “What the actual fuck…?!?!???”
This part of me, my adult Self, makes the best and sanest decisions (as does your adult Self). She needs her time until she gets up and decides to take things in her own hands. She is fascinated watching other aspects of me emerge, fight, try to take over. Those dynamics are entertaining, revealing, shocking…. She really can get caught in her observations and forget time about it…
But at one point Adult-Me will stand up and take over, and man does it feel good. Suddenly there are surges of inspiration, a feeling of strength, optimism. Not the “Imma just pretend everything’s fine, or at least will turn out fine in the end” kind of optimism.

But the “Damn, I really CAN do this. I know feasible steps to get there” kind of optimism.

It feels good when the angry, overwhelmed and paralyzed parts shut up and watch me deal with my shit. Liberating.
Growing up ain’t easy. Especially when you’re like me, and basically didn’t have a childhood, thus felt a strange sense of entitlement to catch up on being a child when technically you already were an adult.
I’m sure I needed the time and the catching up.
I’m letting myself feel all those fears, triggers and the choking feeling of shame…. and do what’s needed to overcome them.
We’re here to figure stuff out, and to grow into the most potent and powerful version of our Selves, to give and do what only we can give and do.
Each one of us is unique – there’s no one exactly like you or me. So sitting back and hiding behind excuses like “others have already done this before, and much better” are quite lame attempts of avoiding to take responsibility for our life.
And isn’t it amazing to witness yourself becoming more you, and living in alignment with YOUR very values, dreams and gifts?
It’s a process of individuation. Letting go of stuff that’s not you. It can be scary, lonely, isolating. It can feel dark and depressing. There are many encounters with shadows that are painful to face.
I’m not a disobeyer, “just because”. I want the disobedient energy to be my sword. I use it to rid myself of the things I took on as my own when actually they were merely others’ projections onto me.
Growing up ain’t easy.
But let’s never stop growing.
Let’s never stop exploring.
Let’s never stop becoming.
I help people explore their inner landscape, connect with the different acpects  of their Selves and take care of their (child’s, adult’s, parent’s) desires. I guide you through visualizations and guided meditations to reconnect with and integrate parts of you that have been neglected and are bothering you in your subconscious.
I also do holistic coaching if you’re stuck somewhere on your life path.
If you want to explore and heal up, hop over to the work with me page and shoot me a message via the contact form at the bottom.
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